


A Cold and Broken Hallelujah

by CanKarmaWrite



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: A little angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Divergent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Kiss, First Time, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Mild Spoilers, Past Mind Control, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tenderness, smut next time, yasha needs a hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27568108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanKarmaWrite/pseuds/CanKarmaWrite
Summary: They were still holding hands. Just standing there holding hands. Neither of them wanted to let go, so they made no moves to do so until they heard Caleb call out that he was pretty sure this last spell would open the door. After a moment more, Beau broke her grasp on Yasha’s hands to rub at the back of her own neck in an all too familiar gesture. They meandered over towards the rest of the Nein, hands brushing every so often at their sides as they pretended not to notice.---Some unpleasant memories surface for Yasha. Beau helps calm the storm.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Mollymauk Tealeaf, Beauregard Lionett & Yasha, Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Mollymauk Tealeaf & Yasha
Comments: 15
Kudos: 105





	1. A Minor Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please enjoy the first chapter of this thing that absolutely no one asked me to write! I expect the next chapter to get a bit steamier, so I'll probably change the rating when it's applicable. As always, feel free to leave a comment/kudos/whatever you want! Enjoy.

Yasha had not had a particularly good day. Not that the ones preceding it had been much better- Vess being murdered, endless miles trekked through snow and ice, a death emerald, yetis- but this one was really putting in an effort to be memorable...and not in a good way. She’d been on edge since the Mighty Nein had marched single file into the ruins where Molly- or at least Molly’s former body- waited to haunt Yasha with unfamiliar mannerisms and a smile that was far too cruel to belong to her former friend.

Their journey leads them through an angular kaleidoscopic maze of rooms with doors where they didn’t belong, a room with elementals where Caduceus nearly died, a deep pit where Veth provoked two black oozes, and finally dumped them at the end of a long, long hallway.

There were bodies, fresh ones according to Veth’s investigation, and Yasha’s heart sank because she knew they were likely also victims of Molly...or at least of whoever wore Molly’s face now.

She surveyed the gruesome scene with the rest of the Nein, not really hearing what anyone else was saying because a hazy memory had struggled to the surface from beneath the black depths of her time being controlled by…

_“Paint the walls red if you have to Orphanmaker, I don’t expect them to just hand over the information without a fight.” The clawed hand of Obann weighed heavily on Yasha’s shoulder._

__

__

_The barbarian felt her head nod, but was it really her head? How could it be her head if she was locked inside like a canary with two broken wings? She beat her fists against the proverbial cage trapping her consciousness when she saw the first flash of blue...Cobalt blue. She’d been so out of it she hadn’t realized they were at the Cobalt Soul until Obann’s hand on her shoulder became the flesh of a scholar and his robes the same shade as..._

\---

Beau noticed the way Yasha’s shoulders stiffened upon seeing the macabre collage of bodies and blood. She noticed the change in Yasha’s breathing. Noticed how the woman’s hands began to shake ever so slightly. She’d known Yasha was anxious about this whole situation from the get-go, and to be honest Beau wasn’t doing as well as she pretended. The whole journey down had been far too reminiscent of their descent into The King’s Cage, so she had been watching the aasimar woman closely whilst keeping her space, ready to step in if Yasha needed a helping hand

Her electric blue gaze watched as Yasha moved a shaking hand to touch the hilts of the blades on her back. Watched her fingers linger on the back of her neck for only a moment before beginning to braid and unbraid the same piece of hair over and over. Beau didn’t wait long before reaching out slowly and surely to cover Yasha’s fretting hands with her smaller, well-wrapped ones.

Beau’s callused thumbs traced slow circles on the backs of Yasha’s hands, her gaze never leaving Yasha’s face though she could see Jester approaching on her right looking worried, wanting to make sure their gentle giant was okay, Beau waved her off with the slightest of head shakes. Jester understood, and like the good and nosy friend she was, observed from 20 feet away near the door instead of the 5 feet like she’d wanted.

Beau sighed and absentmindedly pressed a tender kiss to the back of Yasha’s hand before freezing, eyes wide as a deep blush spread across her cheeks. Oops.

The slow circles Beau had been tracing had started to bring Yasha back to the present moment, but when she felt chapped lips gingerly brush against her skin all of her senses and thoughts came screaming back to the ‘now’.

It took a few moments for Yasha to completely process what had happened and she was still shaking off the tightness in her chest when Beau opened her mouth, likely to apologize.

“Thank you, Beau.” Yasha didn’t give her a chance to apologize and instead motioned with her head to their still joined hands, her own cheeks coloring slightly. Beau was staring very resolutely at the floor but Yasha could still see the ruddy tones painting a mask of embarrassment across her bronzed skin.

“No problem man.”

“All the...blood...It made me think of-” Yasha spoke haltingly and when Beau held up a hand in a signal for her to stop she sighed and squeezed her eyes shut.

“I know. Why don’t we catch up with the rest of the group, I think Caleb has figured out the door.”

The tall woman looked around and realized that the rest of the Mighty Nein was no longer around her, but instead stood near the rune laden door mechanism that Caleb was dumping spells into.

It seemed the rest of the group was watching Caleb fiddle with the arcane lock, but Jester was watching and waved exuberantly when she saw Yasha looking her way, gesturing wildly with her two hands clasped together to highlight the fact that they were holding hands. Yasha, though still quite shaken from the flashback, sent a shy smile in Jester’s direction. Behind Jester, she saw a large mitten clad hand gently push Jester’s tail away from where it had been flicking just inches from Veth’s face. Caduceus met her gaze with a smirk that was reserved for times of mischief...or for when he had been proven right and got to say, “I told you so.”

They were still holding hands. Just standing there holding hands. Neither of them wanted to let go, so they made no moves to do so until they heard Caleb call out that he was pretty sure this last spell would open the door. After a moment more, Beau broke her grasp on Yasha’s hands to rub at the back of her own neck in an all too familiar gesture. They meandered over towards the rest of the Nein, hands brushing every so often at their sides as they pretended not to notice.

Beau cleared her throat as the door opened, “I uh...I read the lett-” her sentence cut off as the sounds of battle filtered into the hallway from the room beyond the door.

Yasha couldn’t think about what Beau had been about to say because Mollymauk Tealeaf was just across the room holding a woman aloft. She didn’t feel Beau grab her hand tightly as nine red points of light illuminated the shape of her former friend’s hand as they snapped and stopped the woman’s screaming.

“My apologies, you've arrived early. I was hoping to tidy up a bit."


	2. Major Lift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yasha's thumb traced a slow line from Beau's bottom lip to her chin, mirroring the tattoo she wore upon her own chin. 
> 
> “Tonight, I just want to be with you...Is that okay?” The question hung between them waiting to be answered but Beau's mind was lagging about five seconds behind.
> 
> \------
> 
> Yasha finds Beau in the training room. Conversation happens. Kissing happens.

Bronzed skin gleamed beneath the warm pools of light cast by various globules floating around the room. She’d been too worked up after dinner to return to her room or sit still enough to focus on words in the library, so Beau was in the training room with a veritable mess of broken and splintered staffs scattered around. 

The day had not been going well for her. 

It began with Yasha’s flashback, which was not something Beau would ever fault the barbarian for, but she wished the woman didn’t have to experience it. Wished she didn’t carry such heavy guilt despite Beau’s multiple reassurances that she was forgiven and that it  _ wasn’t _ her fault. She’d worried the whole journey about how Yasha was handling the idea of seeing her dead friend’s body up and walking around. Those brief few moments of calm and quiet as they’d held hands and just existed in each other’s presence had been fleeting but meaningful. 

Beau hoped Yasha understood how much she cared as they stood there, breaths synchronizing like the slowly beating wings of a butterfly at rest.

Shortly thereafter, Caleb finished opening the door and they had all gathered in the doorway to witness the end of the battle. 

The Tomb Takers dominated the room, each with a sense of superiority over the Nein large enough to match that of Trent Ikithon. They didn’t have to speak, Beau didn’t need to observe them for all that long, they oozed prestige that made her immediately hate them just a little. She knew if things came to a fight they were royally fucked, and she didn’t want to die before she had the chance to tell Yasha she- Beau shook the flush that came with the rest of that thought from her cheeks before returning her attention to the Takers.

They were really good at talking around the point and making you feel like you got information when you really got none, and Beau was  _ pissed  _ because she’d found herself  _ almost  _ believing them. Almost.

“Yeah. Thanks for being soooo forthcoming by the way Cree.” 

“Ah, well...I was a bit preoccupied.” 

Beau scoffs at that, eyes narrowing when she spots a glint of something around Cree’s neck, just peeking out from her furs. She can’t get a good look at it now, but figures before the Tomb Takers and the Mighty Nein split ways she can get close enough to inspect it better.

It had been hard to look at Molly’s face and harder to hear their voice, but not have it actually be  _ Molly.  _ Beau had wanted to hear her old nickname of “Unpleasant One” come from those smug purple lips one more time, but instead endured blow after blow as their conversation continued. 

_ “I am Lucien. The Nonagon.”  _

Her fists crashed into the padded rods of the Wing Chun with practiced ease, she’d trained exclusively with a very similar training post when Dairon had first taken an interest in her. Beau remembers how much she’d complained at the time, how she swore she could really fight and that Dairon wasn’t helping her as they’d promised. 

_ “So you felt for this empty speck.” _

Beau’s feet slid and shifted surely around the post, each step a part of a larger sequence that set up her attacks on the protruding appendages that were set at various heights and angles. She’d ditched her heavy, fur-lined boots in her room after dinner and now stood in the thin slipper-like shoes she’d worn during her training at the Cobalt Soul. 

_ “It’s hard to have contempt for something that doesn’t really matter.” _

Beau’s pained hiss filled the otherwise quiet room as splinters of wood from the pole she’d just broken dug their way under the skin of her knuckles. 

Enough about Lucien though, she was tired of being pissed off and had better things to overthink, like a certain letter that was burned into her memory and the woman who’d written it. So...What to do about Yasha?

_ You make me feel stronger… _

** Thunk! **

_ You make me feel safe… _

** Thud! **

_ You’re strong. You’re a leader. You’re really smart. _

** Crack!  **

Beau cursed and cast aside the pieces of the broken quarterstaff she’d picked up while mulling over the letter in the last few minutes, their remains landing amongst a veritable graveyard of splintered wooden dummies and staffs of all shapes and sizes. After the encounter with the Tomb Takers, the Snow Worm, that stupid death emerald, Vess being murdered right beneath their noses, and just now, the dinner where Dagen was accidentally informed of Vess’s status as a  _ formerly _ living person, Beau coped in one of the ways she’d always coped with hard feelings, by training until her body and mind were too tired to overthink anything. 

Being so caught up in how loud her brain was at the moment, she didn’t even hear the door to the training room open as she grabbed another sacrificial quarterstaff. Didn’t hear the soft, clearing of someone’s throat that was followed by the sound of wood pieces clattering together after being kicked. 

“Um, Beau?” 

\------

The monk whirled around and found herself flinching as the loose braid she’d thrown her ever-growing hair into slapped itself across her eyes and effectively blindfolded her. Her cheeks deepened in their mulled berry wine hue as she moved her hands up to peel the braid away from her face and twisted it haphazardly atop her head in a bun if one could even call it that. Beau’s mouth was immediately dry upon seeing the barbarian picking her way carefully through the carnage of wooden dummies felled by Beau’s hand. 

“Oh, hey Yasha. I was just...Um…” A hand swept wide, awkwardly gesturing to the room as if she had just given a perfect explanation instead of stumbling over her words like a fucking idiot. 

Blue eyes dared to seek out the mismatched ones that had held her interest since the first time they met and found worry in them.

“You’re bleeding,” Yasha said matter of factly, pointing to Beau’s forehead as she drew closer. 

Wrapped fingers darted up to probe the area Yasha had motioned to, causing her to flinch when the sting of sweat entering the wound confirmed the existence of broken skin. She shrugged, trying to play it cool as she pulled up her loose training top to swipe at the scrape, wincing as sweat once again patronized the minor abrasion. 

Beau was so busy dabbing at the cut and trying to figure out when she’d gotten it that she completely missed Yasha’s next set of words, only realizing she’d been spoken to after she’d hastily pulled her top back down, much to the barbarian’s secret dismay. 

“Huh?”  _ Smooth Lionett, real smooth.  _

The corners of Yasha’s lips twitched slightly, the ghost of a smile coming to rest across them as she reached out, eyebrow lifting as if requesting permission, before gingerly running her large, callused fingertips along the scrape. 

Beau could only stare, dumbfounded and reverent, as her own personal angel healed the superficial injury with a tender touch and warm golden light. 

“I said, I can fix that for you.” 

_ Oh... _

“Uh, thanks. You didn’t have to do that. It was just a little scrape, I’m pretty tough you know.” 

Yasha was still touching Beau’s face. 

Beau could tell by the small furrow right between Yasha’s brows that she was afraid Beau wouldn’t accept her touch and was ready to immediately stop if she gave any indication of discomfort.

“I know. I just don’t like seeing you hurt," her gaze hardening slightly as she spoke. "I feel very protective of you."

For once, Beau was still and quiet. She did not shift her weight from foot to foot, heel to toe, all in a repeating pattern that soothed the loudness of her own thoughts. She did not fiddle with the ends of her Expositor’s sash as she was want to do discretely during intense conversations. She didn’t even tap her fingers on her thigh in rhythm with her heartbeat. Her silence continued for a few more moments, but she nodded her head to show Yasha that this was okay, that  _ she  _ was okay. Overwhelmed? Yes. A little turned on? That was a given.

The aasimar’s touch shifted so she was more cradling Beau’s head in one hand, her touch so light at times Beau thought the simple act of exhaling would break whatever spell had been cast over the two of them.

“I read your letter.”  _ Way to go Beau. Way to just blurt that out. What’s the plan now asshole? She probably already knew and now you’re making a fool of- _

“Okay."

Beau opened her mouth to say more but Yasha cut her off.

"You don’t have to reply now, or ever. I just needed to say it. You take whatever time you need, I'll wait.” 

If ever there was an opportunity to speak her mind, now was the time to do it. Beau wrestled with her confidence and anxiety for a moment but Yasha's patient gaze made her thoughts slow and crystalize at the front of her mind. How was she supposed to think straight when Yasha was looking at her as if she were the world’s most precious treasure? How could she form a coherent thought good enough for the miracle standing before her?

“I wanted to respond but everything I tried to write wasn’t what I really wanted to say so I scrapped all of them, it’s a good thing this tower as a fuck ton of paper." Words tumbled out of her like heavy drops of rain as a storm rolled in.  _ Here goes nothing. _

“I was planning on researching the different meanings of flowers or asking Cad for advice because I wanted to show you that I  _ see _ you too and that I know you have my back too. I couldn’t write a letter because honestly, I don’t know how to put into words what I’m feeling. I’m not really good with the whole feelings thing if you hadn’t noticed,” Her toned shoulders heaved slightly as she caught her breath before continuing. “Today was really messed up and I don’t know how to feel about it or if I should even feel a certain way about it. I can’t imagine how hard today must have been for you, seeing Molly- I mean Lucien. If you wanna like, train together to blow off some steam-” 

Yasha chuckled, interrupting the monk's nervous rambling. “Beau. I didn’t come down here to train with you.”

“Oh, right...” Her shoulders fell slightly, "Why are you here then, if not to train?"

Beau could no longer bear to look Yasha in the eyes, for she was afraid of her own emotions being reflected in them. Instead, she stared at a training dummy just behind Yasha, the dummy couldn't worm its way into her heart like the woman in front of her could so she was safe.

“Today was hard and confusing. There are definitely some things we’ll need to talk about in the morning as a group, and things I will be thinking about for weeks and plans we need to make, but Beau,” Yasha’s hand moved from gently resting against Beau's cheek to firmly gripping her chin. The monk swallowed, her mouth suddenly gone dry as the tiny ember constantly burning in the pit of her stomach whenever Yasha was around flared into a roaring fire that was slowly devouring her from the inside out. Beau met Yasha's gaze now, breath catching in her throat as she took in the flush across Yasha's cheeks and the pupils blown wide by...

_ OH. _

Yasha's thumb traced a slow line from Beau's bottom lip to her chin, mirroring the tattoo she wore upon her own chin. 

“Tonight, I just want to be with you...Is that okay?” The question hung between them waiting to be answered but Beau's mind was lagging about five seconds behind.

“Can I kiss you?” The question was out before Beau even had time to think about what she was asking, but she didn’t have to worry long because the moment those words had left Beau’s lips, Yasha moved her other hand to the small of Beau’s back and pulled their bodies flush against one another.

“Are you sure?” Yasha sounded breathless, her voice gaining a roughness that made Beau weak in the knees. 

“Really fucking sure. Just kiss me already.”

And then, miraculously, Yasha kissed her.

Beau had imagined this moment for months, had imagined it being tender and loving and slow, had imagined the way they would break apart after the first kiss in awe and just stare at each other adoringly...They did none of that. 

As soon as their lips met Beau dropped the quarterstaff still held in her left hand and moved it to do much more important things, like grip the hair at the base of Yasha's neck as she rose onto the balls of her feet to close the distance between the two of them. 

Beau was so distracted by the sound Yasha let out at having fingers in that mane of black and white curls and braids that she didn't register that Yasha had picked her up. She was too busy trying to win a losing battle against a woman who kissed as fiercely as she fought. 

Yasha nips impatiently at her lower lip, teeth dragging slowly over the soft flesh and pulling away as she sought entrance to Beau's mouth. The taller woman felt Beau's thighs tighten around her waist at that and filed that fact away for later.

Their tongues clash, fighting for control momentarily before Beau's back hits the wall of the training room and they both reluctantly pull away to take a much-needed breath. 

Beau leans into Yasha, pressing their foreheads together to keep herself grounded while searching for the proper words to say.

Instead, she wets her lips and drags her fingertips across the faint spiderwebbing scar on the back of Yasha's neck. That action draws a full-body shudder from the other woman and a thrill shoots through Beau at this new bit of information. 

"Are you okay?" 

The question startles Beau from her thoughts about how strong Yasha really is, and for a moment she struggles to talk as if kissing had made her forget how. 

"Y-yeah," Beau clears her throat and looks up at Yasha, her electric blue gaze almost sparking with restless energy. "Do you...We don't have to do anything more than kissing tonight if you don't want-"

One of Yasha's hands moves from Beau's thigh to push an errant lock of hair out of her face, and Beau nearly dies right then and there when she realizes Yasha is holding her up with one hand. Sure, Beau's legs are wrapped around Yasha's waist and her back is firmly against the wooden wall of the training room...but still. 

"Beau. I didn't make a comment about the giant mirror over your bed just for fun-"

"Oh." 

Yasha's lips brush gently across Beau's again before kissing and nipping her way across Beau's jaw until she stops to speak again. Her voice is rough with want and the sound of it makes Beau intensely aware of the deep ache settling in her core. 

"Beau," Yasha's voice drops in volume to just above a whisper, to the point where Beau almost has to strain to hear her words at all over the thundering sound of her own heartbeat. "I fully plan on putting that mirror to use tonight." 

Beau moaned, embarrassingly and audibly moaned at that revelation. The fingers tangled in Yasha's hair gripped tighter and Beau began to press needy kisses along Yasha's jaw. "Well then, why aren't we-"

"I wasn't done talking Beau, it's rude to interrupt." Yasha's tone was neutral, but the smug delight in her eyes told Beau a different story as Yasha leaned closer to whisper in her ear once more. "I want to..."

_ Oh. Oh!  _

"Fuck...Yash...My room? Now?"

Yasha gripped Beau's chin again and forced their gazes to meet before smirking so wickedly it was hard to imagine her as a literal angel. 

"Say please." 

Beau whined pitifully at those two words, hips rolling forwards of their own volition, much to Yasha's delight. 

"Please! Yasha, please! I want you to take me to my room...please." 

Yasha pressed one more searing kiss to Beau's lips before nodding, "As you wish..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did Yasha say to Beau? Find out NEXT TIME hehe
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Sorry but totally not sorry about leaving you all hanging ;) I promise next chapter will be nothing but smut, this chapter just got longer than I expected and I'm a sucker for building anticipation! 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos feed my starving soul! Find me on tumblr: countingonkarma.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!   
> Next chapter will deal with canon-divergent happenings after they catch up with the Tomb Takers.
> 
> Feel free to send me prompts/questions on tumblr @ countingonkarma because I wanna start doing little drabbles there to help improve my writing!


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